so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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