My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
