i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
