i can't believe i had my finger in that
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
