The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
