Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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