What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
