we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
