so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
