Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
