Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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