omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He did a backflip because drugs
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