it was like eating out sand paper
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
