So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
