I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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