So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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