then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
