My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think im going to throw up on grandma
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
