Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
