Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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