Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
