I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
