she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
