I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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