I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
