my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
