My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
