Cold hands, warm shart.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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