I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
