I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
