She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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