At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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