And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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