I cannot find my penis.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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