The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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