I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
