Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
