The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
