im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
