it hurts more in the daytime
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
