is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
