I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
