Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Pants are for mortals
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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