If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you win again, gameday.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
