i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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