the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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