on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
