Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
