my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
