Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
