I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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