so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Sober January is a disaster.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
