I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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