And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
