Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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