My room smells like vodka and shame
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
