she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
