Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
