alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
