I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
