like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
