Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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