He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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