the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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